I am depressed. I have been for a while now but have not admitted it until last night when it felt like an all time low.
This might come as a surprise for people around me because I managed to keep the face and control it to an extent, but the reality has been different for a few weeks or a month.
I have no desire to work or do anything; I am more closed in and don’t feel like sharing or telling anyone anything more personal maybe because i realise there is a hole and am afraid that if I look at it I might fall in.
I fell in yesterday and then looked around. It was not that scary. Accepting that I am depressed felt in fact the most healing thing.
I am being loved but I cant give back. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. There is a numbness that befalls you when depression kicks in, numbness that is unmistakable. Lack of desire, motivation and a feeling of indifference.
How it started
For me, depression first came many years ago and it changed something in who I am and how I see the world and interact with it. That change
has defined many things in my life since then. I thought I left depression in the past, but I had to admit last night that it is back.
So what did depression change in me the first time that stuck and helped it come back? It changed the way I think. The way i think when something “bad” or undesirable happens. But also how I think when something “good” occurs.
It all started with a set if events that were painful, felt out of my control and also felt like they were my fault because of who I was. It brought guilt, stress and suffering all together. I put it all on myself and thought subconsciously that I can’t change those events for the better.
This time I am in a better position. I have been through this before. I have the love of some very close people. I know that my thoughts and the way I see things are what brings me down. I need to get to work and fix it.
Recently I finished reading a book by Martin E. P. Seligman called Learned Optimism. The author had spent 25+ years studying depression and its predecessor – pessimism. More importantly he has found a way to help people with mild depression (which there are many of that don’t even know it) by helping them change the way they think about events in their lives.
I will apply his method and see how it affects me. I have high hopes since his method is based largely on common sense and is something that resonates with me based on other experiences.
I will share more once I try it and see the results.
It is a Monday, I know, not many would want to read about depression on a Monday.
However, this is a message of hope. I am sticking to my writing habit which helps remove the feeling of lack of progress. I will come out of this and will share what I have learned, because I want to know how to reach and help others that are in a similar position, that are embarrassed to share how they feel (as am I) and don’t know where to start. I want to find out for myself and use it to help later.